THESAPKAC'S New Years Eve Mass Suicide

Hola Flock-ola, THESAP here. Lots of cults have done these "Mass Suicides" over the years, and they seem to bring a lot of attention ... for a brief amount of time. Remember everything that happened with the Heaven's Gate cult? Neither do I. Reason is, there's nobody left in the cult to get headlines. They're done!

SO...

I humbly decree that THESAPKAC shall partake in a mass suicide this New Years Eve 2005 ... with a twist. Just before midnight, where ever you are, simply ask the people around you if they ever thought of suicide. If they say "NO" then say "Well, you should." This will make them examine their lives in a rushed manner which could make them so emotionally vulnerable that the follow up phrase "No time like the present," and a casual point to the cake knife, or if you're in the south, the gun rack, could be just what's needed to push them over the edge. If they say "YES" they have thought of suicide, it makes your task that much easier.
Come on FLOCK! We all know people who need to throw in the towel, let's give them that little bit of mental corralling they need. Picture the headlines ... THESAPKAC EXECUTES MASS SUICIDE ... ON THE REALLY-REALLY IMPRESSIONABLE.

-sap out

THESAPKAC - The Only Cult That Matters.

THESAP'S BELIEFS ... NOW AVAILABLE FREEZE DRIED!

Like the great Johnny Appleseed, I will soon be sprinkling my Cultic teachings across the west coast. I am going to Washington. Washington state that is, to promote the best movie ever made by a Cult leader. I am of course speaking of The Outdoorsmen: Blood, Sweat, & Beers ... pre-order your copy today.

Since my Cultly musings and beliefs are so vast and, dare I say girthy, I am having my beliefs freeze dried and duplicated in mass quantities. I have cleared it with the airlines to then have my beliefs pulverized into a fine sand-like consistency which will be jettisoned along the flight path of the 747 that will be carrying yours truly over Cali, Oregon and the great Washington state. I know that most of the population would be bubbling with an overflow of joy at the mere notion of me spitting on them, much less having the sandy residue of my beliefs drizzled on them from above, which means this will be like a wet dream come true for the entire world.

You may purchase a freeze dried pulverized bag of my beliefs directly by dialing 1-900-SAP-DRIZ. My beliefs are retailed at $89.00 US per ounce, but if you tell them you're a flock member you only pay $69.00 US per ounce. Obviously the price drop is based in my enjoyment of all things juvenile, including the number 69.

-sap out

WHY THESAPKAC???

SnappedPhoenix said...
So, what are the benefits of joining YOUR cult?

December 19, 2005 1:06 AM

thesap said...
didn't u read the statement ... like any good cult leader, i will help u find enlightenment, inner peace, and in some instances ... outer peace.

like the mighty phoenix, u will rise from the ashes of the old u and fly ... what a mighty bird of fire u are ... to the ends of your own personal sanctity!

see how amazing i am ... i just riffed that whole thing. top of the head yo. don't u want that kind o' cult leader in charge of you and your fellow flock members? got a problem? post it. I'm your dear-abbey, babe. got a musing? post it. what other cult leader lets his flock have a voice? poetry, prose, insane AND inane ramblings are welcome. and I'm learning too. hey, the pig's blood incident was a learning experience for sure. DOWN WITH THE OLD CULT MENTAL MIND BANGINGS ... UP WITH THESAPKAC!

-sap out

THESAPKAC ... THE ONLY CULT THAT MATTERS

December 19, 2005 8:56 AM

LAUGHTER TRULY IS THE BEST MEDICINE

THE OUTDOORSMEN: BLOOD, SWEAT, & BEERS
So funny it will clear up your acne.

Endorsed by your humble cult leader (and director of the film)
Checkout http://bloodsweatandbeersmovie.com/

Trailers, DVD info, all sorts of things. ENJOY

And worship me dammit! I'm your leader.

Berets

I was thinking maybe unifying the SAPKAC a bit ... what's the feeling on berets? classier than a hat, not as concealing as a burka ... pretty gay though. but hey, that would only show comfort in our "other" sides. aren't beret's french? they are, right? does that mean the french make them. excuse me but ... eeeeewe! all i can imagine are those little brimless hats tilted to one side and stinking of rich sauces and armpit funk. plus i can't get the damn things over my halo. fuck it. i'd rather wear a broach.

louisiana is so sexy

so, i've been here about a week and this hot little lady of a state can't keep her hands off me. seriously, groping, fondling... of course lots of eye contact. the governor should just make up a 500 mile wide sash that says i wanna bang scott allen perry and drape it from new orleans to the heel of the boot. what a horny little state.

-sap out

louisiana has great tits

So ... don't suck a dick

Okay. Let's get this out of the way right off the bat. It may shock and astound the masses that make up the richly woven fabric that is Scott Allen Perry's Kick-Ass Cult, but I am not a virgin. I have had sex with women. In addition to the sex, I have had some very ODD situations that were either a part of, a precursor to, or a *day-new-maw* that either made the experience better, worse, pathetic, sad, or hysterically and utterly ridiculous.

Thus, I post the tale of a recent experience to illustrate a type of behavior that is highly frowned upon by Scott Allen Perry and his minions.

Recently, a member of the flock of **SAPKAC** invited one THESAP (me) to have cocktails at a local bar. This member, who shall be known as Bongy McGee, informed THESAP that he would be bringing along two females ... one was Bongy McGee's current favorite lady friend we shall dub Madame ???, and the other was her sister ... let's call her Miss Fool O'Shit. NOTE: Miss Fool O'Shit is not Irish. Also, her voice is very similar to the "Me so horny" dame in Full Metal Jacket.

CUT TO:

5 minutes into the cocktail connection, Miss Fool O'Shit's hands are all over THESAP. She bites him playfully ... places his hand between her legs ... playfully. There is NO SMALLTALK. It's clear that she is interested in one thing and one thing only --

-- Back at THESAP's apartment, Bongy McGee and Madame ??? smooch and chat on the couch while Miss Fool O'Shit drags THESAP into his bedroom, throws him down on his bed and grabs the almighty's <> through his pants and proclaims in authentic MeSoHorny dialect, "Oh, yeah ... I gotta have some of that!"

ZIP-WHIP-AND A TOUCH OF THE LIP

Miss O'Shit goes into action. She's got skillz, as any attractive woman over the age of 35 should ... how far over the age of 35 only makes what transpired all the more baffling, pathetic, and IDIOTIC.

After nearly 5 minutes of the oral ups and downs, Miss O'Shit stops and the following dialogue is exchanged.

MISS O'SHIT
I can't do this ...

THESAP
Excuse me?

MISS O'SHIT
I can't do this.

THESAP
Well, you actually ARE doing it. Are you saying you can't continue doing it?

MISS O'SHIT
I don't know. Is it bad that I'm thinking about someone else?

THESAP
You know, at this point, I don't really care who you're thinking about. Five minutes ago, maybe ... but now???

MISS O'SHIT
But I'm in love with someone else.

THESAP
(incredulous look on his face)
So ... Don't suck a dick. How 'bout that?

MISS O'SHIT
What?

THESAP
DON'T SUCK A DICK! That's probably a good call. Obviously this isn't new information to you. You know you're in love with this person you're talking about, right?

MISS O'SHIT
Yes ... (blank expression)

THESAP
SO DON'T SUCK A DICK! Unless it's on the guy you're in love with. Then you won't be such a ridiculous, full of shit idiot like you are now.

MISS O'SHIT
Are you upset?

THESAP
Yes. Yes, I am upset.

MISS O'SHIT
But why?

THESAP
(gestures to his still throbbing SAPNESS ... she doesn't get it)
Get out.

MISS O'SHIT
What?

THESAP
Out of my room. We're done here. Shoo, shoo --

MISS O'SHIT
You're kicking me out?

THESAP
Yes. And I'm not gonna change my mind when you're halfway through the door. Now go. Shoo, shoo --

CUT TO:

Awkward exchanges with Bongy and ??? as they suddenly realize they are being ushered out of THESAP's dominion.

As they head to Bongy's car, Madame ??? says something to Miss O'Shit to the effect of, "You've gotta stop doing this shit --" ................... and Madame ??? is the YOUNGER SISTER!

DON'T SUCK A DICK!




terms:

*day-new-maw* phonic-french ... a revelation

**SAPKAC** Scott Allen Perry's Kick-Ass Cult

The Scott Allen Perry

<> THESAP's "member"

Boy Howdy ... does pig's blood taste like crap!

I tell ya, being a good cult leader is not a walk in the park. Unless you normally injest the blood of unclean animals (in bible-speak - SWINE) on said walks. Look, I'm trying to be a good cult leader. NAY! A GREAT cult leader. But some of the popular activities of great cults past are really, really gross. Basically, what happened is this:

1. I wanted to increase my powers on Earth tenfold.
2. I thought drinking pig's blood would do that. (I think I saw it in some movie full of wild-ass natives and shit ... could have just been Return of the Jedi cause I was pretty fuckin hammered when I came up with the whole idea)
3. I went to a butcher on Alvarado Street and made him give me a gallon of the stuff... the pig's blood. I told him I'd infest his ears with locusts if he didn't comply. I was even gonna bless the little fucker until he wouldn't stop laughing at me ... I HATE THAT. The problem here is I needed that extra tenfold Earth-Power boost to actually DO a real locust infestation, especially in someone's ears, so ... I just peed on his car door handle instead.
4. I went to Griffith Park and drank the pig's blood, forgetting to bring a chaser. Boy was my face red ... HEY! PLAY ON WORDS!
5. I haven't stopped throwing up since. It's taken me like 6 hours just to write this 'cause I keep taking hurl breaks.

I'm not sure if my powers have increased yet, but honestly, whoever came up with these "tried and true" cult rituals was a jackass. How about increasing your powers through Urth Cafe's blueberry cheesecake? Can anyone say world domination thtough Cantor's Chicken Matzo Ball Soup? You feel me on this one flock?

-thesap out

I TURNED A STICK INTO AN ASP

How old school am I, bitches!!! I was trying to do the whole "part the red sea" thing ... starting small of course. Basically, I was trying to part my tub ... anyway, I accidently focused all my energies and uber cult leader powers in what was clearly the wrong direction 'cause the handle of my plunger started vibrating like a mofo and the next thing I knew ... ASP CITY! Never quite parted the tub but I did get a friggin asp out of the deal. I'm young, I admit it. I'm new to this cult leader thing. An asp is a good fuckin' start if you ask me.

-THESAP OUT
THESAPKAC ... The Only Cult That Matters

PS - Does anyone know where I can get some mammon?

I had sex with an actual "flock" member

OKAY ... being the thoughtful cult leader that I am, and also having built up a bad case of the hornies since the late 90's, I went out and did it with a real live, wool covered, grazing in the grass, honest to goodness sheep. That's right, a sheep. I figured, why force one of my flock members into a sexually submissive position like so many other cult leaders do. There's another "flock" out there, right off the 15 ... and that way none of my own flock ends up feeling like a used ass-rag in the post lovin' separation anxiety that always follows a night of good lovin' with THESAP.

SO ... after a 2 1/2 hour drive ... I spotted my soon-to-be-pleasing-me field of good lovin'. Betsy was her name ... at least, that's the name I gave her. Sheep don't talk, but they do bray. And this lovin' was BAAAAAAAAAD! Can you feel me on this one, flock? "Get thee behind me SAP," is what my sweet lil' Betsy was a brayin'. All I can say is, the hornies are quelled, my own flock is safe and unviolated, and there's one happy, cigarette smokin, FF'd sheep named Betsy milling about in greener pastures since I gave her a dose of THESAP-stick.

Dig me, love me, follow me into the new blue ... THESAP out


THESAPKAC ... THE ONLY CULT THAT MATTERS

Lucky

I find pennies all the time - heads up and smilin’, how they shine
Happens to me everyday - I’m lucky that way

Black cats cross my path … I laugh – I can easily escape misfortune’s wrath
My troubles seem to run away – I’m lucky that way

But I can’t get a date with anyone sane – I cannot explain it
I wan to explode every time I invest all my time in someone …
whose cake is not done … and is fallin’ apart at the seems
And takin’ my heart and my dreams for a ride
Through their nightmarish hell of a life
And tearing me down – and makin’ me frown
What more can I say … I’m just lucky that way

Flippin’ it all over, tryin’ to find a 4-leaf clover -- Over done
-- is the NO-FUN-FANTASM … NUMBER ONE with the BUMS
NO…we can’t be chums after the lovin’s done I’m sick of all the shizzle
Backin’ up my soul … THE FIZZLE’S gotta stop
Is there a sign on my back that says Kick me?
Codependent’s gonna go the independent’s where the flow is goin’
Duck sucker, chuck the buck, I’m flippin’ over all my luck
The SUCK is gonna go… beware the flow of this lucky lady

WELCOME TO THE CULT

I am Scott Allen Perry ... Cult Leader. In my Kick Ass Cult you will find no cliche' or passe' cult requirements like "you have to give the cult leader all your worldly possessions" or "you have to perform daily 'hot sex' sessions with the cult leader" or the tried and true "you have to have a romping good weekend with the cult leader as he gangbangs his flock" and what not. Not that these are unappealing options to an up-and-coming cult leader such as myself. I just don't want anyone saying that they gave me all their cash and hummers and so on and got screwed 'cause they never found inner peace, saw the light, or any such other empty cultly promises. I can show you the light ... especially if your act sucks ... and the hot sex/orgies/gimme all your moolah perks of being a cult leader can happen naturally ... like they do on animal planet.