I'M A BIGSHOT HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR NOW

Know why there isn't a pic of me basking in the glory of my network television broadcast premiere? Because it'll cost you.

That's right, I'm a Bigshot Hollywood Director now. A BHD with a TUDE to match. Wanna grab coffee with me? That's a public appearance ... $500. Want a picture of us at coffee together? Photo Op ... another $500. Need to reach me by phone? Good luck. Personal calls are not on the menu ... make an appointment. How 'bout having me visit a dying relative? Perhaps a young boy with cancer? $2000. Flat rate.

Things you can do for free with me now that I am a BHD? You can:

1. Massage my ego
2. Blow smoke up my ass
3. Brown nose (convenient after previous act)
4. Perform verbal fellatio
5. Perform actual fellatio

Yes, the burden of the BHD is truly huge. I have already sent all of my hats out to have them resized to fit my gigantic head. I am now sending my assistant out to buy me all black toilet paper. Then I'll throw it at her and tell her it's the wrong shade.

-sap out