Boy Howdy ... does pig's blood taste like crap!

I tell ya, being a good cult leader is not a walk in the park. Unless you normally injest the blood of unclean animals (in bible-speak - SWINE) on said walks. Look, I'm trying to be a good cult leader. NAY! A GREAT cult leader. But some of the popular activities of great cults past are really, really gross. Basically, what happened is this:

1. I wanted to increase my powers on Earth tenfold.
2. I thought drinking pig's blood would do that. (I think I saw it in some movie full of wild-ass natives and shit ... could have just been Return of the Jedi cause I was pretty fuckin hammered when I came up with the whole idea)
3. I went to a butcher on Alvarado Street and made him give me a gallon of the stuff... the pig's blood. I told him I'd infest his ears with locusts if he didn't comply. I was even gonna bless the little fucker until he wouldn't stop laughing at me ... I HATE THAT. The problem here is I needed that extra tenfold Earth-Power boost to actually DO a real locust infestation, especially in someone's ears, so ... I just peed on his car door handle instead.
4. I went to Griffith Park and drank the pig's blood, forgetting to bring a chaser. Boy was my face red ... HEY! PLAY ON WORDS!
5. I haven't stopped throwing up since. It's taken me like 6 hours just to write this 'cause I keep taking hurl breaks.

I'm not sure if my powers have increased yet, but honestly, whoever came up with these "tried and true" cult rituals was a jackass. How about increasing your powers through Urth Cafe's blueberry cheesecake? Can anyone say world domination thtough Cantor's Chicken Matzo Ball Soup? You feel me on this one flock?

-thesap out