MRSA IT IS!

The tests came back. It's MRSA (aka ORSA) which means I most likely got it from the surgery center where I had my hernia operation. Anyone want to give me a hicky?

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS DISGUSTING BACTERIAL INFECTION

AND IF YOU'RE A REAL GLUTTON FOR THE YUCK AND MUCK, CLICK HERE

All i can say is, it's hard to get your life on track, your shit together, your ducks in a row, and any other phrase you decide to go with when everytime you take a step forward something like this knocks you the fuck down ... and pisses on you ... and throws crap at you like the common monkey ... and then pisses on you again.

I have been down and out since Nov, 2nd, the day of the hernia surgery. Please, avoid using phrases on me like "You just have to be patient," and "You gotta think positive." I am looking at my remaining straws and there ain't many left. Now that I know what it is I am slipping into Ninja mode. One of us is gonna die. MRSA vs THESAP. Bring it on bitch!

HAVING YOUR THROAT SLIT SUCKS

Really, you think it sounds kinda cool at first, maybe the chicks'll dig it yo. But once the injection comes and the slicing starts, you change your perspective on the whole thing pretty quickly. Not only does it drain all the energy from your body, but you have to deal with bandages and changing the dressing and stuff. I thought walking around with a gaping neck wound would be cool, you know. But once again, you realize that with every ounce of blood that drips out of your body there's a little piece of you that really wishes it wan't involved in any part of the process at all.

So why the neck gashing? It's either one of three things. Place your bets for:

STAPH INFECTION
MRSA (Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus ... google it)
SOMETHING UNKNOWN

Since the STAPH INFECTION is the most treatable, I say it won't be that one. And though SOMETHING UNKNOWN would mean the possibility of ongoing tests and medications and such, don't rule MRSA out. It is, in my doctor's words, "very difficult to treat..." and can take an undetermined amount of time to cure.

The upside? Lots of costly, painful, recurring boils (see old testament) that make me wish I was dead.

GO 2006! Way to test my power of positive thinking, you bitch!

DOUCHE BAGS

I thought they were just for vaginas. Apparently they also book bands in Hollywood at Tempest.

-sap out

2006 ... THE BIG YEAR

So, every new year it seems like I hear more an more people utter the phrase "This is the year!" What they are referring to is the new year being the year that everything happens for them. This year has been overly saturated with a nonstop rush of people, several I hardly know, saying "This is the year!" to me specifically, meaning that they sense, somewhere in the universe, that 2006 will be the year that THESAP achieves "SUCCESS". I put the word "SUCCESS" in quotes because it means different things for different people. For me, and for the people telling me "This is the year!" it means success on the commercial level. I do feel I have had great success creatively for several years straight now. Unfortunately, the cost of this success has been a depletion of anything resembling finances for me. I made a great movie. I also worked about 18 hours a day for 6 months to do that. Plus, another year of dedication and most of my waking hours spent promoting the film and putting together little extras and wonderful other bells and whistles type thangs to really knock my baby out of the park. I don't even want to mention the peanuts I accepted as a wage during this time. I can say that a great portion of the time there weren't even any peanuts at all.

WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN?

If "This is the year!" really does mean I will achieve the financial side of the "SUCCESS" coin, I say flip the bitch. I am overdue. And for Christ's sake, please let those who uttered that damned phrase to me so many times over the past few weeks truly be motivated by some higher being, some universal energy that has compelled them to speak those words to me so often. Because the pessimistic translation of that phrase is "Damn, we're all getting older and nobody's getting richer. I'm betting my nuts on the farm and talking out of my ass in hopes that positive thinking actually does make you crap gold. Put it all on RED BEEYOTCH!"

-sap out

PUMP THIS

So, I was thinking about hot sex and how some old dudes, pre-viagra, got these penal implants. Just pump it when you want to hump it, right? So, I'm thinking, these old dudes must really be pissed, especially the ones who bought the damn implant, like, the day before viagra came out. Kinda like when I bought my powerbook the day before Panther came out and I was stuck with that shitty Jaguar. Now I gots me some Tiger, and it's all good. I just got the upgrade, yo! And the best thing about the whole deal was nobody had to install anything in my penis.

Brokeback Mountain Is Like ... Really, Really Gay

So, there's this movie out now with Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal called Brokeback Mountain, and it's like, really, really gay. Like, they're like cowboys and stuff, right, but they make out with each other and stuff in the woods, and then they totally do it with each other. How gay is that? And they like, totally cheat on their wives and sneak off into the woods just so they can totally do it with each other some more. HELLO, IS INFIDELITY HOME? Seriously, I know it sounds gay, but it's really gayer than just regular gay. It's so gay, if gay guys would watch it they'd be like, "Oh my God! That is really, really gay." And what's with the director, Ang Lee? Is that some kind of inside GAY joke? What kinda name is that anyway? ANG? It sounds so made up. Like, it totally rhymes with WANG. DUH! Seriously, try it yourself. I am not making this shit up, people. ANG, WANG, ANG, WANG, ANG, WANG. Like we wouldn't figure that one out? The only thing that would make this movie gayer is if the denim jacket that Heath Ledger dances with was Acid Wash.

THESAP LOOKS BACK ... AND FORWARD

2005. Gone already. I feel 9000 years old. I am actually 7,639 years old, factoring in past lives, but my experience has given me that extra 1,361 years of “virtual experience” from which I draw the following conclusions.

LIFE IS LONG … PATIENCE DIES

Too long for some, too short for others. I would love to be able to look forward to the upcoming years but I have put up with so much bullshit in my meager 34 THESAP years that I kind of dread the unknown bullshit that lies ahead. I’ll take it in and deal with it as I always do, but my patience level has diminished so much that the smallest amount of bullshit will most likely be met with a fierce hand and THESAP’S renown rapier witticisms of death which usually makes the recipient of said words feel like the smallest piece of shit on the planet.

LIFE’S A BITCH … MAKE HER YOURS

I want to change the world. When you consider how draining and, in the grand scheme of things, how short a lifetime really is, that’s not what you’d call an easily achievable goal. Plus, I want to change it for the better. I know that’s a subjective term, but when I say “for the better” I am sure most people would dig what I have in mind. Hitler was one man who definitely changed the world. I want that kind of impact, but without all that awful aftertaste. Let’s face it, the guy was a dick. I want to be the Bizarro Hitler. It takes actual “doing” to achieve this. Mark my words, this year will be a year of overwhelming accomplishments and achievements for THESAP. Professionally, personally, romantically, and even … dare I go there … spiritually. A new, uber-improved THESAP will rise form the ashes of the old and take this world by storm. Gusty winds first, followed by a light drizzle, then cloudbursts, and finally, a flood so powerful, so encompassing, Noah himself would look upon it and say, “Now that’s a storm!”

LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES … THAT YOU CAN’T AFFORD

Fuck Russell Stover, Fuck Hershey, and Fuck all things that were once hard to come by that you can now easily purchase at your local convenience store. If you’ve ever had chocolate, real chocolate, chocolate you can only get through special order or by traveling thousands of miles ‘round the globe … the chocolate that is truly priceless … then you know how crappy the other stuff is by comparison. I want to be that kind of chocolate. Everything I do, Everything I create, Everything I lay my hands on will be infused with the sweet, rich, soul stirring, priceless flavor of THESAP. All the crap that gets shoved down “consumers” throats will suddenly become less acceptable, less palatable. And slowly the masses will seek out that which was not thrown together to please “demographics” “test audiences” or “advertisers”. They will want that which was made for the group that has been dissected, segregated, and manipulated beyond recognition by THE MAN. That one group that cannot be seen through corporate eyes. I speak, dear reader, of the humans. My chocolate is for them, and I intend to serve it buffet style.