NYC ... NOT SO CONVENIENT FOR VIRGIN SACRIFICE

Hit the tizzown sap-style. Most nights were in the out till the post 4AM way of rollin'. Lots of cool people as usual. Then I realized I haven't done any cool Cult based activities in awhile. First thing that pops to mind ... SACRIFICE A VIRGIN.

I know, it's a tried and true activity, great for increasing the cult leader's powers on earth, especially if the virgin shows a little leg during the sacrifice. So, I whip it out ... the Virgin finder. It looks kinda like that thing Harold Ramis uses in Ghostbusters to find ghosts, but this one searches for unbroken hymens.

Wouldn't you know it ... the closest virgin we could pick up was a 9 year old girlscout in Jersey ... WHO WANTS TO GO TO JERSEY?!?!?! It's like the whole city gets humped when they pop out of the womb or something.

I know what you're thinking. Preparation is half the battle. Next time pack a virgin in your carry-on. Noted and lesson learned the hard way.

After the fruitless search I popped into a Tribeca butcher shop to pick up a couple pints of chicken blood. DAMN Tribeca is a pricey neighborhood. Most butcher shops just give you the chicken blood 'cause they don't want you to curse 'em or put some voodoo shit on their asses. Not in Tribeca though. Chicken blood is $12.99 a pint. Hella high on the dollar scale yo! But hey, if you can't find a virgin to sacrifice, might as well have a high octane cult power shake.

RECIPE
1 pint chicken blood
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
1 pinch bee pollen
1 newt eyeball
2 teaspoons yogurt

Not as good as a virgin sacrifice, but warms the tummy.

-sap out

I'M A BIGSHOT HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR NOW

Know why there isn't a pic of me basking in the glory of my network television broadcast premiere? Because it'll cost you.

That's right, I'm a Bigshot Hollywood Director now. A BHD with a TUDE to match. Wanna grab coffee with me? That's a public appearance ... $500. Want a picture of us at coffee together? Photo Op ... another $500. Need to reach me by phone? Good luck. Personal calls are not on the menu ... make an appointment. How 'bout having me visit a dying relative? Perhaps a young boy with cancer? $2000. Flat rate.

Things you can do for free with me now that I am a BHD? You can:

1. Massage my ego
2. Blow smoke up my ass
3. Brown nose (convenient after previous act)
4. Perform verbal fellatio
5. Perform actual fellatio

Yes, the burden of the BHD is truly huge. I have already sent all of my hats out to have them resized to fit my gigantic head. I am now sending my assistant out to buy me all black toilet paper. Then I'll throw it at her and tell her it's the wrong shade.

-sap out