CULT ON HOLD

Can't keep the flock in order and get all my day to day shit done. A cop out? Maybe. Thinly veiled inadequacy? Perhaps. Can you get your SAP fix elsewhere in the meantime? You bet your ass!

FOR ALL THINGS THESAP

TRYIN' TO GET MY HATE ON

Still debating who gets the prejudice. There's women, but that is so obvious. Blacks get too much attention so i am prejudice against being prejudice against them. And HOMOS ... with all this "L Word" crap they could use a bit of a smack down eh? I'm leaning towards the Mexicans. If stereotypes are on my side, they should be too lazy to protest.

-sap out

HIBERNATION

For reals ... I been asleep ... weeks ... brought on by too little stimulation of the mental state.

The wrath of thesap shall be strong, fierce, and without prejudice.

Well ... there will most likely be a little prejudice. I will pick a race/gender/sexual-orientation to hate on then check back.

-sap out

NYC ... NOT SO CONVENIENT FOR VIRGIN SACRIFICE

Hit the tizzown sap-style. Most nights were in the out till the post 4AM way of rollin'. Lots of cool people as usual. Then I realized I haven't done any cool Cult based activities in awhile. First thing that pops to mind ... SACRIFICE A VIRGIN.

I know, it's a tried and true activity, great for increasing the cult leader's powers on earth, especially if the virgin shows a little leg during the sacrifice. So, I whip it out ... the Virgin finder. It looks kinda like that thing Harold Ramis uses in Ghostbusters to find ghosts, but this one searches for unbroken hymens.

Wouldn't you know it ... the closest virgin we could pick up was a 9 year old girlscout in Jersey ... WHO WANTS TO GO TO JERSEY?!?!?! It's like the whole city gets humped when they pop out of the womb or something.

I know what you're thinking. Preparation is half the battle. Next time pack a virgin in your carry-on. Noted and lesson learned the hard way.

After the fruitless search I popped into a Tribeca butcher shop to pick up a couple pints of chicken blood. DAMN Tribeca is a pricey neighborhood. Most butcher shops just give you the chicken blood 'cause they don't want you to curse 'em or put some voodoo shit on their asses. Not in Tribeca though. Chicken blood is $12.99 a pint. Hella high on the dollar scale yo! But hey, if you can't find a virgin to sacrifice, might as well have a high octane cult power shake.

RECIPE
1 pint chicken blood
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
1 pinch bee pollen
1 newt eyeball
2 teaspoons yogurt

Not as good as a virgin sacrifice, but warms the tummy.

-sap out

I'M A BIGSHOT HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR NOW

Know why there isn't a pic of me basking in the glory of my network television broadcast premiere? Because it'll cost you.

That's right, I'm a Bigshot Hollywood Director now. A BHD with a TUDE to match. Wanna grab coffee with me? That's a public appearance ... $500. Want a picture of us at coffee together? Photo Op ... another $500. Need to reach me by phone? Good luck. Personal calls are not on the menu ... make an appointment. How 'bout having me visit a dying relative? Perhaps a young boy with cancer? $2000. Flat rate.

Things you can do for free with me now that I am a BHD? You can:

1. Massage my ego
2. Blow smoke up my ass
3. Brown nose (convenient after previous act)
4. Perform verbal fellatio
5. Perform actual fellatio

Yes, the burden of the BHD is truly huge. I have already sent all of my hats out to have them resized to fit my gigantic head. I am now sending my assistant out to buy me all black toilet paper. Then I'll throw it at her and tell her it's the wrong shade.

-sap out

MRSA IT IS!

The tests came back. It's MRSA (aka ORSA) which means I most likely got it from the surgery center where I had my hernia operation. Anyone want to give me a hicky?

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS DISGUSTING BACTERIAL INFECTION

AND IF YOU'RE A REAL GLUTTON FOR THE YUCK AND MUCK, CLICK HERE

All i can say is, it's hard to get your life on track, your shit together, your ducks in a row, and any other phrase you decide to go with when everytime you take a step forward something like this knocks you the fuck down ... and pisses on you ... and throws crap at you like the common monkey ... and then pisses on you again.

I have been down and out since Nov, 2nd, the day of the hernia surgery. Please, avoid using phrases on me like "You just have to be patient," and "You gotta think positive." I am looking at my remaining straws and there ain't many left. Now that I know what it is I am slipping into Ninja mode. One of us is gonna die. MRSA vs THESAP. Bring it on bitch!

HAVING YOUR THROAT SLIT SUCKS

Really, you think it sounds kinda cool at first, maybe the chicks'll dig it yo. But once the injection comes and the slicing starts, you change your perspective on the whole thing pretty quickly. Not only does it drain all the energy from your body, but you have to deal with bandages and changing the dressing and stuff. I thought walking around with a gaping neck wound would be cool, you know. But once again, you realize that with every ounce of blood that drips out of your body there's a little piece of you that really wishes it wan't involved in any part of the process at all.

So why the neck gashing? It's either one of three things. Place your bets for:

STAPH INFECTION
MRSA (Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus ... google it)
SOMETHING UNKNOWN

Since the STAPH INFECTION is the most treatable, I say it won't be that one. And though SOMETHING UNKNOWN would mean the possibility of ongoing tests and medications and such, don't rule MRSA out. It is, in my doctor's words, "very difficult to treat..." and can take an undetermined amount of time to cure.

The upside? Lots of costly, painful, recurring boils (see old testament) that make me wish I was dead.

GO 2006! Way to test my power of positive thinking, you bitch!